Thursday, January 10, 2008

I am amazed....

Ok, I was thinking about how to find people I would actually want to be friends with. Does that make me sound snotty? I don't mean it that way, I just feel that since we have no idea how much time we have in the world, we should try to spend it on things and people that are important. Determing what is important to someone, that is the kicker. I am amazed at some of the blogs I see, or profiles on websites, or MySpace setups...People obviously spend a lot of time and love on some of these. I find it really hard to do that, I find it hard to even type this. Often when I am in situations with people (in real life) I find myself changing to meet their expectations or needs. This takes a great toll on me and I don't really wind up connecting in the way I would want to connect. It becomes all about them. People are important, don't get me wrong. And it's not that it feels insincere on my part either, because I am totally sincere. It's as if I come fully present with my needs, and hopes, and aspirations, with my past and present, that it won't be important. That since it may not fulfill the need of the person that I am interacting with that it, that I, may be irrelevant or ignored. So I twist and turn myself into somebody else. Sometimes it is big twists and sometimes little. I think, though, that I need to stop this. I am not saying I will never help anyone, or meet someone's needs. I am saying that my needs will also need to be present and accounted for. Right now, my need is for people in my life, who like Amy, seem to be accepting me with all my flaws, and who want to work with me on things I feel are important, like radical feminism. I am happy for those people to be online people. In fact, I think I would rather prefer that at this point while I work on asserting my own needs and feelings and even preferences. In real life, I have a significant other who I have been with for 10 years. He doesn't totally understand me, he doesn't agree with me on lots of things, even things that are important to me, but he is always by my side supporting me and trying to help me with whatever I am doing. That really rocks, I must say. So the point of this is, I am going to try to actually be me and to contact people that interest me and to try to form some connections, especially with women, especially with women who aren't white, that are legitimate, honest and real. Connections in which she is who she is and I am who I am, and it's okay with both of us.

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